Advice Thursday: how do you know he’s the one?

Just got the following email from Beth:

Hi Sarah!!

So, I’m writing because I need a heaping dose of Sarah. I’m spinning and reeling and I feel like I need you to figuratively slap me across the face. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. I love him very much and prior to the past six months, there was literally no doubt in my mind that I would marry him. However, something shifted in the last six months and the clouds of doubt came rolling in. We still talk as though we’ll get married some day, and he’s hinted that he plans to propose within the next two years. I’m so anxious. We’re in our early twenties for crying out loud, but I come from a family of mid-thirties marriages and he comes from a family of young marriages (his sister got married at 19). I’m only on the far ends of the spectrum with him. There are qualities about him that I would die for, parts of him that I absolutely adore, but there are qualities about him that I loathe. I honestly feel like the cons outweigh the pros, but the pros outweigh the cons. What the fuck should I do?

Thank you so much, E

Dear E – I’ve been there. I know what you’re going thru. For anyone that listened when I was on the Kane Show you probably remember my almost engaged story that I would talk about. The long story short was I dated a really nice guy for almost 5 years. He was kind, good to my family, a good father, all the qualities you would want in someone but he wasn’t my match. When he hinted that he was going to propose I became anxious and sick to my stomach, I said NO to the ring and proposal. It was heartbreaking, and at the time devastating to both of us because we were and are good people just trying to navigate love, but it was also the best decision I ever made. Here’s my advice to you E, which came from my mother when I was in your shoes. She told me the following 2 things:

1) If you have to call ( or in this case email ) me or anyone and ask if you should marry someone, or ask if you’re with the RIGHT person, the answer is NO.

and…

2) When you find the RIGHT person no one will be able to talk you out of it!! Don’t you love that!? I think until recently, everyone I’ve ever dated you could have talked me out of marrying. 

You are SOOO young E and you deserve all the time you need to figure out who you are, date other people if you want, party and make out with randoms:) I think you already know the answer in your heart and you owe it to yourself and your BF to honor that. If your BF wants to get married in his early 20’s he should do that, but you also don’t want to be a check mark on his ‘life to do’ list. It seems like a lot of pressure now but you have loads of time…honor that anxiety feeling in your gut – its telling you what to do. It doesn’t mean you two aren’t meant to be further down the road but wouldn’t you love to be in a place where no one could talk you out of it?

Sending you good thoughts and let us know what you decide E! XO, Sarah 

Need advice on anything or anybody? Email me anytime: Sarah@heyfrase.com 

 

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