Do you feel like you attract really “good guys” but they always seem emotionally disconnected? Well, you’re not alone, many of my girlfriends say the same thing. They love their husbands or boyfriends but they just don’t feel like they connect on an emotional level. As I learned it’s not always the guy’s fault… Too bad it would be easier just to blame the guys, am I right? =)
So what is emotional intelligence and how do you know if you have it?
I am starting with the topic of what does an emotionally intelligent person look like on paper because I always thought I was emotionally intelligent until recently. The definition of Emotionally Intelligent: is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. In English, it means knowing what emotions you are experiencing and expressing them to your partner.
According to Leigh Conant (my relationship therapist and friend), people that are connected to their emotions “have a clear sense of their own experience and can share it with other people… They can label frustration, love, fear…” and people that struggle with this try and suppress their emotions which is usually an idea that comes from their family, school, media etc. Remember what you resist persists!
How do you get started with handling emotions in your relationship and how do you know if you need professional help?
Here’s a test to see if you’re not emotionally connected and could use some professional help with your relationship… Next time you are feeling emotionally excited or your partner is, try to express your emotions in a calm and clear way. If you can’t find the words or have no idea what emotion you are experiencing than more than likely you could use some extra help with this subject.
Try not to think of getting help as you failing. The truth is most people struggle with emotional issues and they just don’t share it. Think of it like high school or college when you learn a new subject like algebra, you need an instructor, books, and practice. Like my fabulous gauncle George always says how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, Practice, Practice! The same goes for relationships and managing emotions! It takes practice!
Here’s what you need to know about emotions!
Emotion is a rapid response system that will move us quickly to protect ourselves in some way when our brain perceives we are in danger. It takes only 1/10 of a second for our brain to respond to a threat according to Leigh Conant. No wonder we need professional help!
Try this Next time you find yourself in an emotional conversation with your partner…
It’s called framing or the soft approach method. If you usually say things like “you are never home” or “you’re always working,” and you get a response like “well someone needs to work and pay bills”. Try saying something like this instead “You know I really miss you. I feel like you have been at work a lot… Can we spend some time together?” You say the same thing but in a less aggressive and threatening way according to Leigh. Leigh also suggests a soft tone of voice can be a huge help!
As always I love you all and wish you the best. Get more details about emotional intelligence and relationship exercises on my podcast by click here.
Please share your feedback on my social media and please share the blog and podcast with anyone that you think would enjoy it! XOXOXO, Sarah