Cosmo’s V-Day BJ Tips to Keep Your Mouth Moist: Pickled D*ck Breath and Sticky Pubes

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, boys and girls, and if there’s one thing I enjoy about V-Day, it’s the drinks. Popping champagne and throwing back cute, pink cocktails? Say less. But apparently Cosmo thinks there’s really one thing on your mind this holiday season: blowjobs. And honestly, four vodka crans and five glasses of André do make you feel sexy as hell until you try to put a penis in your dried-up cotton mouth. But I’ve never really thought too much about trying to fix that little obstacle. (I’ve kind of just adopted a “we’ll get ’em next time” attitude when a BJ goes bad.)

LUCKILY, Cosmo consulted an OBGYN for some tips on how to keep that mouth moist when you’re headed downstairs… but I think all of them are ridiculous.

Here are a few (with my own personal ratings included, you’re welcome):

Chewing Gum (3/10. Efficient doesn’t outweigh sticky.)

Cosmo called this a “fast fix” because it stimulates saliva production really quickly. (Plus, you can subtly reach for it in your bedside table while he pretends he can undo your bra with one hand.) Thing is, it adds an extra “spit or swallow” step that you HAVE to remember. Or else you two are spending a romantic evening cutting Trident White out of his pubes. That’s way more intimacy than I need.

Sour Candy (6/10. Potentially hazardous but maybe hot idk.)

There’s something a little sexier about the idea of popping candy in your mouth beforehand I guess, but Dr. Wendy Askew (the OBGYN) warns that sugar should stay away from the vagina. So ladies, that means unless you get him to conduct a little pre-coitus rinse-off, don’t put any P in the V, otherwise your only Valentine’s Day gift will be a yeast infection. Also, the article didn’t specify candy examples, which I think gives people too much freedom. I’m expecting a lot of, “Happy Valentine’s Day, honey, I’m sorry I got those Pop-Rocks lodged in your urethra.” It’s risky, but I do love Pop-Rocks.

Lemons/Limes (2/10. C’mon, Cosmo. There’s no discreet way to just suck a lemon real quick.)

I guess these are an alternative to sour candies? But I don’t know. I feel like this would require a lot of preparation earlier in the day. Like, you’d have to know that your plans for the night were just sucking d*ck so you could slice up some lemon wedges ahead of time and… what? Store them on your night stand? Nah. There are way better uses for citrus. Who tf has ever said, “When life gives you lemons, use them to suck d*ck.” No one. Ever.

Water-Based Lube (6.5/10. Best option, no contest.)

This was actually suggested by a dentist out of Atlanta and it’s the only idea I’m on board with. I was a little worried about the taste, but I found several options for flavored, water-based lube and, let’s be honest, any lube tastes better than a penis anyway. (And for those of you playing up the whole “OMG no, I love giving head” thing, cool it. Pomegranate-Flavored Peen > Normal-Flavored Peen and you know it.)

Pickle Juice (-5000/10. Who even wins here?)

 “A shot or two,” Dr. Askew says. No. I’m not about to ask my man for help opening the pickle jar just so I can take a quick sip and blow him with slightly more vigor, ya know? Plus, now my breath smells like pickles and d*ck.

SO

Here’s the thing: I’m a giver and a feminist, okay? I believe in equality. So if you’re receiving some high-grade cunnilingus this holiday, I’m a firm supporter of returning the favor. BUT I’m not about to prepare a pre-succ snack just to keep the juices flowing. That seems like a lot of work for very little reward. I’ll stick to shrugging it off and skipping to sex.

BUT DON’T LET MY OPINIONS STOP YOU! If you try any of these this Valentine’s Day, let us know! Or if you have your own tips to share, hit us up!! (Maybe we shouldn’t even be giving blowies on Valentine’s Day?? Idk??) Regardless, we truly want to know what works and what doesn’t… then MAYBE we can reevaluate our ratings. Till then, Happy V-Day, babes! Cheers!

XOXO, Alyssa

Hey Frase Intern and Contributor

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