Gwyneth Paltrow’s Orgasm Costs $75

Do we all remember when Gwyn released her coochie-scented candle a few months ago? Yeah, that shit SOLD OUT. People are into it. And I have a feeling that this orgasm-scented one she just released is going to have the same exact reception.

This candle, aptly named “This Smells Like My Orgasm,” costs $75.

$75!!!!

And the ingredients are sending me:

“…this blend is made with tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.”

OF COURSE it’s going to be successful. She listed the most ambiguous scents she could think of.  Who the fuck is going to argue that your post-coitus vagina DOESN’T smell like gunpowder tea when only .0006% of the population even knows what gunpowder tea smells like to begin with?? And even if you’re in that percentage, I can almost guarantee you don’t know what it smells like blended with “ripe cassis berries” and “Turkish rose absolutes.” That’s like me saying “my orgasm smells like The Rock’s left nipple and a cake baked with lamb’s blood.” Absolutely no one is going to argue against that because there’s no way you can disprove me. In fact, I’d even be interested in buying that candle.

PLUS these ingredients are from like five different countries. This bish really said, “my orgasm smells like Epcot” and just put that shit up for sale.

It is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I love her for it. I need the number to her marketing manager because I’m ready to start my own line. @Goop, call me.

XOXO,

Alyssa Thibodeau

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